


Lie Together

by Choi_Aya05



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Age Difference, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, I hate that tag I can't believe I'm using it now, I'm not sure how angsty this is, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Jealousy, M/M, Mild Smut, Mutual Pining, Non-Linear Narrative, Possible trigger warnings: brief discussion of suicide ideation, Unrequited Love, a bit of sexuality crisis, and a little dub-con element but nothing too bad, but not between the main characters, ish, probably confusing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:35:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27816175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Choi_Aya05/pseuds/Choi_Aya05
Summary: For as long as Younghyun could remember, Jae had always been a part of his life.From his earliest years, when he was four and Jae was nineteen who was sometimes tasked to babysit him.When he was thirteen whose voice started cracking and Jae was twenty-eight who had established his career as a lawyer.When he was fifteen and realized that boys were attractive too, and Jae was thirty and being coaxed by his parents to settle down.He was seventeen and Jae was thirty-two when he realized he was in love with him.
Relationships: Kang Younghyun | Young K/Original Character(s), Kang Younghyun | Young K/Park Jaehyung | Jae, Kim Wonpil & Park Jaehyung | Jae, Mentioned Park Sungjin/Yoon Dowoon, Park Jaehyung | Jae/Other(s)
Comments: 28
Kudos: 53
Collections: Day6 OTPs





	Lie Together

**Author's Note:**

> As the tag says, this is non-linear. The events would not always be chronological, and would jump a lot from past to present. If anyone's confused, please tell me. I might go back and edit to put "marks" on the flashbacks and time skips if it's unclear. I tried to make it as coherent as possible, but I don't trust myself. LOL

Younghyun traced his fingertips on the edge of the polaroid camera with reverence, smile reaching his ears. A purple little thing his parents had purchased for his fourteenth birthday. He could hear the party downstairs simmering down, his visitors leaving one by one as the sun set.

He was in his room to bring in the presents he had received, his favorite was undoubtedly the camera. He picked it up and rushed back downstairs to see his parents by the door, bidding Jae goodbye. He was bundled up for the winter waiting outside, laughing at something Younghyun's father had said; a high-pitched giddy sound that filled the corners of their home and made it cozier.

He didn't know what compelled him to raise the camera and snap a photo, but he did. The picture developing provided him so much elation.

"Hyunie!" Jae called out, waving. "Happy birthday!"

Younghyun waved back, already dreading the thought of Jae going back to his bustling adult life, where the next Younghyun would see him was a big unknown.

For as long as Younghyun could remember, Jae had always been a part of his life.

From his earliest years, when he was four and Jae was nineteen who was sometimes tasked to babysit him.

When he was thirteen whose voice started cracking and Jae was twenty-eight who had established his career as a lawyer.

When he was fifteen and realized that boys were attractive too, and Jae was thirty and being coaxed by his parents to settle down.

Through all of it, Younghyun regarded Jae in a special way, though he didn't know then what it truly meant. When his consciousness had caught on to his feelings, he was terrified at the same time exhilarated at the newness of it all.

He had been naive.

It monopolized Younghyun's thoughts, consuming time better spent on something else and diminishing his appetite.

How could he see boys that way? Was it normal? Was it a phase? Everyone found people pretty all the time. It could apply to the same gender, right? Or maybe it was curiosity? Was it normal to have desires to kiss a boy if you were a boy too?

It kept him up at night and drained him in the morning.

Overwhelmed, he skipped his classes for the day. An unlikely behavior that got everyone worried. His middle school called his parents and they looked everywhere for him.

Jae found him in the arcade.

"How unusual," he commented, casually sliding next to Younghyun after his round of basketball.

Younghyun sighed. "I just needed a break."

"Of course you do. So, where to next?"

He turned to Jae, dumbfounded. He had expected a scolding from the thirty year old adult. "What?"

"You don't mind me joining you, do you? I wanna play too!"

"O-oh, well, uhm, sure?"

Jae grinned. Being the cause of it never failed to make Younghyun feel like he had achieved something great.

As he aged, he learned that rarely did life handed to us the things we yearned for the most. We could work for it, but nothing was ever guaranteed. Sometimes our efforts went unrewarded.

But trying was better than doing nothing, right?

At least, that was how he viewed it.

So he tried.

After Younghyun had acknowledged his feelings for Jae, he always thought that he was unreachable. That Jae would never see him that way because he was a boy, if not for their noticeable age gap.

But during Jae's small thirty-second birthday party, when he had pulled Matthew out to the side of their house and Younghyun followed—when he saw Matthew trapping Jae against the wall and trying to devour him with the way they made out—Younghyun was simultaneously hurt and hopeful.

If Jae was open to _that_ possibility, if he saw men _that_ way—

Then Younghyun would work hard.

Younghyun decided to confront Jae about it one weekend, when Jae accompanied him for lunch.

"I saw you and Matthew-hyung," he began. Jae's chopsticks clattered down the table. His head snapped up to Younghyun, who did his best to look earnest. "I didn't tell anyone," he assured. "I never plan to."

Jae sighed, shoulders slumping. "Yeah. It's... why I never had a girlfriend."

"Because you had _boyfriends_ ," Younghyun teased, trying not to let the pang of jealousy show. Jae snorted. His relief from Younghyun's acceptance was evident.

"It's only been two."

Younghyun's heart plummeted. "Oh?"

Jae hummed in confirmation, picking his utensils back up to resume his meal. "There's Matt, as you've seen." His eyes lost its spark. "There's also Seunghoon."

Younghyun frowned. "You? And Seunghoon-sunbae?"

Jae laughed, but it lacked the humor. "Yeah. He proposed to me under a streetlight you know? When I came of age. Said we'd marry once we had enough money."

"W-what happened?" Younghyun was scared to know. He was itching to, but he wasn't sure he was prepared for it. He also didn't want to make Jae uncomfortable, but Jae could always opt not to answer. Younghyun wasn't sure what he wanted.

"Well," Jae began, not meeting Younghyun's gaze. "Life happened, I guess. His parents learned about us and arranged him with this girl." He cackled, teetering to hysterical. His eyes glistened, making Younghyun's stomach churn. "I was invited to the wedding. Fucking sent me an actual invitation."

Younghyun was horrified and _furious_. They had the audacity to do such a cruel thing—

He had never had a strong urge to commit murder as much as he had now.

His blood boiled under his skin, his pulse erratic. Those people better never show themselves if they wanted to live for another day—

"Being the prideful creature that I am, I attended." Jae pursed his lips to prevent them from wobbling. Younghyun wanted to cry. He shouldn't have asked, he 'really' shouldn't have.

"Hyung, you don't have to—"

But Jae was far gone. "It was then that I realized that pride is stupid. But hey, I got to see the horror in his face when he saw me in the crowd. It felt like I kinda got a revenge, you know?" He shook his head. "It wasn't his fault, I know, but I couldn't help but be angry for a while. I'm over it though."

He gave Younghyun a smile. A little sad, a little nostalgic. But not broken. Definitely not.

Younghyun couldn't help but be proud. "You've endured a lot," he said. Jae giggled.

"Yeah, I didn't really have anyone to tell about this. But hey, I have you now!"

Despite the cheerful disposition, Younghyun could detect Jae's insecurity.

He quashed it with a grin and two words: "of course."

Younghyun was sixteen when he discovered that Jae was partly like him.

For Younghyun's 21st birthday, he had asked Jae for a celebration with just the two of them. Jae treated him out for drinks to celebrate Younghyun entering the legal age. They found out that Younghyun could hold his liquor really well, and Younghyun discovered that Jae was a lightweight despite his height.

He also found out that Jae was a clingy drunk.

Even when he had been a child, Younghyun had no memories of Jae being touchy with him. It was always Younghyun. They held hands when out for a walk to the park, Jae carried him when he got too tired after playing, hugged him in emotional moments—but Jae had never held onto Younghyun's arm, leaned on his shoulders, nor snuggled on the crook of his neck.

Jae was muttering gibberish in what seemed to be content, rubbing his cheek on Younghyun's clavicle.

Younghyun felt needed. It gave him a rush of something pleasant.

He looked down to see Jae's serene expression. He hadn't seen the elder this lax in a while. Hadn't seen him smile as much as he used to. A smile so bright, so unrestrained. As if being with Younghyun freed him of all the responsibilities his age forced him to bear.

He glanced at the wall clock. 11:14pm. He carefully fished his phone from his pocket and shot his parents a message. He pocketed it once more and turned his attention back to Jae.

He was farther into dreamland, his breathing even. His plump lips slack. Younghyun pressed his own to a line before cupping Jae's cheek.

"Hyung," he gently called out, weakly tapping on the smooth skin. "Hyung, we need to go. I'll take you home."

Jae groaned in response, his arms around Younghyun's tightening. Like a child would to his favorite stuff toy when his sleep was threatened to be disturbed.

Younghyun resisted the urge to indulge Jae. Or to kiss him awake.

"Hyung."

No answer.

He sighed, but it wasn't put upon—simply a preparation for what he was about to do.

He took Jae's padding jacket, making sure the winter wouldn't have the chance to make Jae shiver. Somewhat of a feat when the person he was dressing up was unconscious, but he managed without waking Jae up. Afterwards, he wore his.

He carefully took one of Jae's wrists and used it to place Jae's arm around his shoulders. He rotated his body so the older's chest was against his back and grasped his other wrist to pull him closer.

He sat up, bringing Jae up with him so he could have the access he needed to grip the backs of Jae's thighs and heave him up in a piggyback.

Jae was lighter than Younghyun imagined. The challenge came with the bulkiness of their garb.

He adjusted Jae's position, making sure he wouldn't fall. Jae's head found its place back on his shoulder. If Younghyun were to turn, their noses would rub against each other and Younghyun could count his lashes.

He smiled. It was a lovely thought.

He bowed to the best of his ability when he bid the store owner a goodnight and began the trek home.

The night was calm, the sky clear. The breeze was chilly, but Jae kept him warm as Younghyun did to him.

The ten minute walk to Jae's apartment turned sixteen. His arms strained, but his heart was content. He struggled with encoding Jae's password, but he triumphed with a grunt.

He didn't bother with the lights, knowing his way around despite the minimal help from the windows. He went straight to Jae's room, the door ajar which he pushed with a foot.

He stepped in and lowered Jae with all the care in the world. He hastily spun to cradle the back of Jae's head, placing it against his chest. He wound an arm around Jae's back, the other going under Jae's legs. He lifted him and placed his body on the bed properly.

He removed Jae's shoes and jacket. He had to wrestle the comforter under the other but Jae didn't even stir. He draped it over him. He unclasped Jae's watch and placed it on the nightstand.

He hesitated, but the alcohol made him weaker—or braver, depending on the angle of perspective. His fingers carded through Jae's hair, brushing away the long fringe from his face.

Jae rolled over to his left, facing his direction. Younghyun smiled, an unstoppable instinct. He felt as though he could burst from the fondness that overwhelmed him.

His lips grazed Jae's temple with the lightest of touches. "Hey, hyung, I'm twenty-one and I still wanna marry you," he murmured. Jae remained undisturbed.

He picked Jae's shoes up to be placed on the rack as he stood.

With steps heavier than the last, he left, simultaneously full and empty.

He was twenty-two when he first confessed, on a weekend Jae was in his parents' house.

The past years had been difficult. His university had demanded most of his time up to graduation, then he interviewed for the company he now worked for under the marketing department. Jae himself seemed to be more swamped with work than ever. Messages came rarely, the calls short. They couldn't find the perfect timing to hangout, with Jae perpetually unavailable.

There were times he didn't know how to handle how his body trembled with the urge to be with Jae; how his mind ran miles per hour but never reached its destination, while his heart pounded to be let out and be with its owner.

But Jae was farther than ever. Unreachable, no matter how hard Younghyun tried to catch up.

_"I'm sorry,"_ had been Jae's words. His brows were drawn down to his lowered eyes, lips twisted.

This Jae was unreachable too, in a different, colder way.

Younghyun couldn't decipher the meaning of his expression. He didn't want to understand. It would crush him if it was pity.

_"I know,"_ he had answered, attempting for a smile. It came out as a grimace. He didn't know what compelled him, but he brought his phone up and snapped a photo of Jae's retreating back after he had rejected Younghyun.

Months that followed were painful, with how awkward it was to be in Jae's presence. But they had to keep up the appearances lest their parents asked. It hurt, but Younghyun had expected it. He had hoped, yes. That perhaps there was 1% chance that Jae would love him back. Just because it was a low probability didn't mean it couldn't happen, right? That was how miracles were born.

He knew from the start that it was in vain. So he did his best to focus elsewhere. Remembering hurt, and his thoughts couldn't seem to help but be drawn to Jae, but he lived.

The year dragged on, but it passed by.

For Jae, it started when he was thirty-five and Younghyun was nineteen. By then he had become sort of a best friend for Jae, a confidant. A bit odd with how young Younghyun was, but it worked because Younghyun was matured and Jae tended to be childish.

So when Matthew confessed to having fallen out of love with him, his feet brought him to the Kangs' front door.

"It wasn't as if it hurts a lot," he began without preamble as soon as Younghyun had closed his bedroom door and sat beside Jae on his bed. "I saw it coming."

"Yeah, you said he's been distant for a while."

"He was. So I already expected it. I was just waiting."

"Why didn't you initiate the break up?"

"I don't know." He shrugged. He leaned back to a reclining position, supporting his weight with his hands. "I guess I didn't know how."

"Were you hoping to fix things between you two?" Younghyun's eyes seemed to bore through his soul. His gaze fell to his lap, unable to maintain the contact.

"Maybe."

"Is is because you still love him? Or because you got used to him that you're not sure how to be without him?"

Jae's eyes shut. He let out a short humorless laugh. Younghyun was asking the right questions, but Jae didn't know the right answers.

The silence between them was comfortable. Jae found himself dozing off.

"Take a nap, hyung. It might refresh you."

Jae blinked, facing Younghyun with a sleepy grin. "Wake me up in thirty?"

"Sure." Younghyun helped him settle, practically tucking him in like a child. It made Jae chuckle.

"You're like a dad," he teased. Younghyun grinned.

"Shut up, son. Go to sleep."

Jae laughed, bright and genuine. "Yes, daddy."

"I said shut up!"

Jae laughed a bit more at Younghyun's red face before letting himself be pulled into slumber. The last thing he remembered was Younghyun was sitting beside him, his fingers running through Jae's hair. Younghyun soothingly thumbing his cheek. A kiss on his forehead.

His last thought had been how nice being taken care of felt—by _Younghyun_ specifically.

_What would it be like to be loved by someone like Kang Younghyun?_

"I don't love you anymore," Matthew stated plainly. Jae's spoon paused halfway to his mouth.

"I know," he responded, just as simple. He slurped the soup in his spoon.

"You won't ask why?"

Jae lowered his utensils to his plate, giving Matthew his full attention. "Why?"

"Did you know that you only ever call out for one person when you talk in your sleep?"

He realized he liked Younghyun's reactions when he did something. He liked it when Younghyun laughed at his jokes, when he frowned at his provocations, when he retaliated to his antics.

When he looked annoyed whenever someone showed interest in Jae. When he kindly rejected all those people that asked him out. When he looked at Jae like he was the most wonderful thing in the world.

He liked being with Younghyun. He yearned for him when he was gone. He was elated whenever the prospect of meeting the younger arrived.

He liked Younghyun.

He liked him, and it felt so right but oh so wrong.

How could he had let it happen? He should've recognized the symptoms when they were nothing but buds. He should've cut it off before it could have the chance to blossom.

Now there was a garden in his heart and the flowers were on full bloom.

It may be too late to prevent anything, but not to forget. After all, a garden uncared for withered, didn't they?

As much as possible, against his desire, he accepted more work so he had a valid reason not to meet up. He replied to the texts and answered calls but never prolonged them like they used to. Hours turned to minutes. They only ever saw each other when their families invited the other. Interactions amicable but kept at the minimum.

Younghyun seemed oblivious. The disappointment in his eyes not once escaping Jae each time he gave the younger a negative.

The plan to let the garden wilt wasn't working. He just missed Younghyun all the more; his longing serving as the nutrient that made the garden thrive.

If it wasn't for their years apart, he might've thought the garden to be beautiful. Why did the bad things in life had to be so attractive?

_"I'm sorry,"_ had been his words.

_I'm in love with you too,_ had been his thoughts. _For years. And I feel so dirty. I don't deserve you but I love you. I love you. I love you..._

"Jae, honey, is something wrong?"

"H-huh?" Jae uttered dumbly and looked around in daze. The Kangs eyed him with varying degrees of concern. Right. He was helping Younghyun with his assignments and they made him stay for dinner. He was sitting in front of them, with Younghyun beside him. "Sorry, sorry. It's nothing."

"Doesn't seem like nothing," Younghyun's father said, earning a jab to the side courtesy of his wife. Younghyun was staring, his ten year old gaze already too sharp.

"It's my senior," he started, tone quiet. "There's... She's one of the best in our firm and she's always in demand. She—it's to be expected, but someone hired her to defend a proven murderer."

Younghyun's mother gasped, hands going up to cover her mouth. Younghyun's father's expression turned grave. 

"That's bad, right?" Younghyun asked in a tiny voice. Jae smiled at him tiredly.

"It is."

"Will she be alright?"

"I don't know what she'd do. This guy's very rich and they might threaten her or her career if she reject them."

"Oh gods," Younghyun's mother muttered. It was one of the things Jae liked about her; her empathy.

"I wish I could help her but I'm just a junior and still has a lot to learn."

A silence of mutual sympathy and somberness enveloped them. Jae felt guilty for opening his mouth.

"I ruined the mood. Sorry."

"Don't worry about it," Younghyun's father assured, smiling.

"I hope it all turns out for the better."

Jae smiled at them. His gaze landed on Younghyun, and he tickled his chin to make him grin.

Jae had been about to go home when he was stopped by Jamie.

"We haven't heard that annoying loud ass laugh of yours today," she had said, examining her nails. Jae could see she wanted something.

"Yeah," Alexa had nodded along. "I kinda miss it."

Jae had felt dread at the sight of their expressions. Turning to Jinyoung's placid face hadn't given him any hope either.

An hour later, Jae found himself in some club, dragged by Jamie and Alexa while Jinyoung enabled them. For being "too gloomy", were their excuse.

Ten minutes of brooding by the counter, a certain Kim Wonpil occupied the seat beside his. It took thirty more minutes for him to get comfortable enough to let Wonpil take him away, and he did his best not to moan out the name of the face he was seeing in place of Wonpil's.

Came morning, as he was about to leave, Wonpil had asked him to stay for breakfast. They went out to the nearest fastfood. They were almost done—Jae only had to say the right words, express his appreciation and be on his merry way—when Wonpil had sprung the question.

"So, what college do you attend?"

"College? Dude, I've long graduated. I..." He petered out, heart racing. "Please don't tell me..."

"Oh? You couldn't possibly be much older than me! I'm twenty-three."

Jae's breath caught in his throat.

Wonpil was younger than Younghyun.

Wonpil didn't know why he had accepted when Jae made him promise they forget about what had happened. He genuinely liked the older despite the short timeframe. He triggered Wonpil's protective side.

Park Jaehyung with his puppy eyes and pouty lips, his sulkiness when things went against his will and his silliness that made the sun shine a tad brighter.

He knew it was impossible to be with Jae romantically, as he seemed really hung up on age gap, so he settled for being his friend.

(While questioning how long it would take to get over a crush.)

Jae seemed to have a magnet for young people, he hypothesized when he and Wonpil grew close.

They hung out a lot after Jae had given in and let Wonpil have his number. He enjoyed Wonpil's company; found himself interested with the boy's stories and invested in their banters. Wonpil was easy to talk to and surprisingly matured. It reminded him of Younghyun. (He covered it up with a smile too wide everytime it brought his mood down.)

He was grateful that Wonpil never pried beyond what he shared. He respected Jae's privacy and instead came up with something to bring back the stars in his eyes.

Jae received the message just as he had confirmed his plans with Wonpil.

Mom

9:40 AM

_Son, Younghyun's staying with you this weekend if you don't mind?_

9:43 AM

_What's wrong?_

9:45 AM

_Nothing, don't worry. We just thought it might be good since you two don't seem to be seeing each other as much. Are you busy?_

10:04 AM

_No, I'm not. I don't mind._

10:05 AM

_Great! I'll let Younghyunie know._

Younghyun arrived two hours before Wonpil. Jae opened the door for him with a reluctant smile, knuckles white from holding onto the knob. The younger thankfully reciprocated. On his shoulder slung a backpack, one that Jae recognized from two years ago.

He stepped aside in a wordless invitation. "I ordered pizza," he said as he strode towards the living room. "I'm actually expecting someone."

"Oh."

Jae spun on his heel in time to catch Younghyun's... whatever that emotion had been before it turned neutral. Jae's brows furrowed a little. "His name's Wonpil. We met about six months ago."

Younghyun smirked. "So you _are_ capable of making friends."

"What's that supposed to mean? Hey—get back here!"

Younghyun was playing a random show while Jae was rereading his favorite book when Wonpil had let himself in, the door's chime notifying them of his presence. Jae glanced at Younghyun who sat on the other end of the couch, noting the crease of his forehead at the fact that a friend of six months was privy to Jae's password.

"This is Younghyun, Wonpil," Jae introduced as soon as Wonpil entered the living room.

Realization dawned on Wonpil's face. He beamed, friendly and open. "Nice to meet you, Younghyun-ssi. Jae's told me about you."

"'Jae'?" Younghyun looked like he was analyzing Wonpil. "How old are you?" He queried, a bit curt. Wonpil wasn't bothered.

"I'm twenty-four."

Younghyun cocked his head to the side. Then he nodded to himself. "I see." He faced Jae, countenance unreadable. "I actually have work to finish still. I'll try to be quick, but for now I'll let you two be."

"Oh? What about food?" Wonpil asked, but Jae was already handing Younghyun an entire box. Younghyun accepted with a smile, nodding at them before walking towards the spare room Jae had spent an hour tidying.

Younghyun had walked in on them watching a movie. Supposedly. Instead, Wonpil was reclining on the couch's armrest, Jae almost on his lap and his face pressed on Wonpil's chest. Both fast asleep. Jae was cocooned in a fleece blanket Younghyun had never seen before, and on the ground was a torn gift wrapper.

Wonpil had an arm looped around Jae's waist, as if he was protecting him from the world. From Younghyun.

Younghyun felt very much like a volcano erupting.

He also felt very much like breaking down.

He did his business in the toilet as quickly as he could and hastened back to his designated room. Perhaps he himself needed a nap.

The next Younghyun came out, he saw Wonpil and Jae in the kitchen. Wonpil was hovering over the frypan, holding salt with one hand and seemingly using it to threaten Jae while the older was trying to push him away. They were sharing laughters while Younghyun observed from afar like an outsider, wanting to break the moment but being held back by his morals and dignity.

"Hyung." Wonpil looked wistful. "I know you said to never mention it, but if I were the same age as you, would you have given me more than that one night?"

Younghyun's breath hitched audibly when something sharp shot through his chest. It caught the two's attention.

"Younghyun," Jae breathed out as Wonpil switched the stove off.

_"You slept together?!"_ Younghyun shouted, disbelieving and utterly betrayed. He barked out a laugh, rough and acrid, piercing Jae's very soul.

Jae turned to Wonpil with pleading eyes. Wonpil nodded in comprehension. "I'll see you tomorrow," he said lowly before walking away, throwing them one last look of worry.

When Jae faced Younghyun, his heart plummeted. _Everything_ was on display.

"Sorry for the outburst, I just wasn't expecting—he didn't have to go, _I'll_ go."

"No, it's—" Jae bit his lower lip.

"I just don't understand." Younghyun clutched at his forearm, wrinkling his sweater's sleeve. "What does he have that I don't?"

"Younghyun..."

"Why won't you accept me?"

"Younghyun, you're so young. So much younger than me."

Younghyun blinked, progressively getting angry the more he turned the words over in his head. "That's it? That's your reason?" He sneered. "You'd let someone the _same_ age as me fuck you, but you wouldn't give me a chance to—to _love_ you, because I'm _young_?" Younghyun scoffed, pacing away from Jae in indignation.

"I didn't know he was that young," came Jae's shaky excuse, in a last resort to appease him.

It didn't work.

"So what? Are you saying had you known you wouldn't have let him—?!"

"Of course I wouldn't have! I only knew about it in the morning—"

_"Shut up!"_ Younghyun shrieked, regarding Jae with so much fury that made the older cower.

He had never seen this side of Younghyun.

His heart was beating too hard, too fast. He felt like he wasn't taking in enough air but he was too tensed to breath properly. He felt beads of sweat trickle down his skin that burned with shame.

He was afraid.

For the first time in the years they'd known each other, Jae was genuinely _afraid_ of Younghyun.

"Younghyun, please—"

"I said _shut up_!"

Jae squeaked in shock and fear when Younghyun took two strides and reached for him, slamming him against the wall with a force that knocked out whatever air was in his lungs.

His lips parted to pacify or protest—anything—but Younghyun had sealed it with his own. Younghyun was kissing him.

How long had Jae waited for this? How long had he desired for this so desperately?

The tears streamed down uncontrollably. His emotions pulled him in all directions until he was stretched thin and useless.

His knees buckled. Younghyun snaked an arm around his waist while he had a hand in Jae's hair, pulling it to tip his head back. The younger's sloppy kisses went lower, and Jae bunched the material of Younghyun's garment with the hands he had against Younghyun's chest. Younghyun nibbled on his exposed neck before biting down mercilessly.

Jae cried out in pain. It was as if Younghyun wanted to brand him. "Younghyun, Younghyun, _please_."

Everything came to a screeching halt.

Younghyun's lips hovered over his skin but he had stopped.

His grip loosened, his actions catching up to him like a bucket of ice suddenly poured onto his body.

He backed away and took in what he had done.

Jae was disheveled; his eyes glassy, his lips swollen, his shirt askew. On his cheeks were trails of fright. On his neck was a mark of jealousy, wrath, possessiveness, longing.

Younghyun felt like a monster.

He still couldn't think straight, was still deep in madness. He had to get away. Far, far away because if he didn't—if he stayed near Jae—

He ran a palm over his face. "I'm sorry," he muttered without looking back. He walked back towards the spare room and closed the door behind him, the sound giving him the distinct feeling the period of a sentence did.

That night, Younghyun slipped out without bidding Jae goodbye. The front door's click seemed to reverberate in Jae's skull.

The next morning, he woke up to Younghyun's mother's message: _Younghyunie is set to go to Canada for a year as his company's representative, Jae-ah. Did he tell you?_

Jae locked his phone without a reply, staring at the rectangular box on his dining table. It had been tied with a yellow ribbon, which he had already untangled. It was a game he had expressed curiosity on and ranted about to Younghyun once upon a time, whining about how busy he was to buy and play it.

It came with a card.

_Happy birthday, Jae-hyung! I hope you still like this game, otherwise it's gonna be awkward. I hope you're always healthy and happy!_

_Yours always,_

_Younghyunie_

"Hyun, have you seen my phone?" Younghyun heard Jae ask. He startled. It was probably the second time Jae had acknowledged him the whole night.

He looked back to see Jae fumbling around, searching his coat pockets and suitcase.

They were about to leave after the Parks had invited him for dinner, him across the street and Jae to his apartment.

Almost a year after Jae's rejection and stilted interactions.

"What is it?" Jae's mother questioned, walking into the living room while wiping her wet hands on the apron she wore.

"I don't know where my phone is."

Jae's father snorted from the single seater he had parked himself on. "Of course you don't."

"Dad," Jae whined. Younghyun almost took a step back when Jae abruptly whirled towards his direction. "Give it a ring, please?"

Younghyun took his phone out of his jean's back pocket and pressed a few buttons. They waited. No ringing.

Jae's mother arched a brow. "Don't tell me—" Jae screeched, mussing up his hair. "—it's on silent."

Jae ran upstairs, shouting that he would search his room. His parents simultaneously let out a sigh, resuming the things they were about to do.

"Is he seriously thirty-eight?" Jae's father muttered to himself.

"I wonder where he got that from," Jae's mother retorted airily, laughing at her husband's affronted _"hey_ _!"_

Younghyun skimmed the area for anything. He lifted the throw pillows on the sofa, finding the device under the third one.

He blinked at it, dumbfounded.

On the screen was his contact photo.

When he was eleven, Jae had taken him out after his classes. He waved his wallet to Younghyun's face as soon as he had stopped in front of, his smile more radiant than ever. He had his first ever salary; Younghyun felt pride swell in his chest.

When Younghyun had asked they take a photo to commemorate the day, Jae had joked that he only took photos of things he liked. In the end he had agreed, because he "liked himself".

_"I'll just crop you out,"_ Jae had jested, earning a smack to the arm.

In that photo, Jae had an arm around Younghyun's shoulders as he angled the camera up in a way that highlighted their best features.

But this photo was one taken when Younghyun was twenty-one, on a rare day Jae was free. He had been stuffing his mouth full, his cheeks puffed and nose wrinkled in effort. It was unflattering, but he could feel the _intimacy_. What the photographer was seeing when he took the photo—Younghyun felt it well.

The amount of pictures he had of Jae—sleeping, eating, reading, laughing—all of it had been driven by emotions.

The very same emotions this one photo exuded.

The unanswered call ended, briefly showing Jae's night sky lockscreen before it went black. Jae's panicked footsteps echoed in the house as he descended.

"I can't find... it." Jae gazed at the phone in Younghyun's hand in relief. "Thank god."

Younghyun gave him the phone with a strained smile. "Let's go?"

"Yeah. Thank you."

That night, as Younghyun sat on his bed, he browsed his phone's gallery and wondered if he was projecting.

_"Jae, I'm in love with you," Younghyun finally said, hands shaking and clammy. Heart dropping when Jae's gaze fell to the wooden flooring of the Parks' front porch._

_"I'm sorry."_

_"I know."_

_Jae didn't speak further, looking away to the side. To their neighbors living their own lives, unknowing to the pain with which Younghyun's heart throbbed with._

Younghyun frowned at the memory, watching the clouds outside the airplane window. What did the apology meant precisely? Was there a follow up to it?

Their meetings were now mostly spent in quiet, with Jae always too deep in his headspace and Wonpil unsure how to breach the subject. He had gotten a gist of the situation from what Jae had mentioned before, at _how_ he said things about Younghyun. And the way Jae had gazed at him—the way they gazed at each other...

Wonpil ceased his rhythmic tapping on the cafe's table. "Why does age matter so much to you?"

Wonpil's expression was so loaded Jae had to avert his eyes, landing on the world outside the french windows to his right. The younger continued, "is it really about the age, hyung?"

He didn't reply. He didn't know how. He didn't even know what he was running so hard away from.

There was a time when six year old Younghyun tripped while playing in the park one spring afternoon. Jae had been swift in coming to his aid, helping the boy up and patting away the dust on his shorts. He recalled how his heart had stopped at the sight of the blood on Younghyun's knee.

_"Does it hurt?" He had to lift his head to meet Younghyun's eyes from his crouching position. The younger shook his head. Jae granted him a small smile, taking Younghyun's hand in his as he stood._

_"Let's get you home to clean that up so it won't get infected," he said, to which Younghyun nodded without a fuss. It was one of things Jae adored about the kid, how easily he grasped the situation and how it wasn't challenging to negotiate with him._

_He kept glancing at Younghyun on their way home, checking to see if he was alright, but Younghyun seemed to have no problems with the way he filled the air with his adventures in school._

_He told Jae the most mundane of things he or his classmates did with enthusiasm, as if it had been the most exciting event in the world. Jae was only half interested, but he couldn't help grinning along._

  
_They reached Younghyun's home and Jae assisted him to the couch. Then he went for the first-aid kit in one of the kitchen cupboards._

_He kneeled in front of Younghyun, pouring antiseptic onto the gauze. "This would sting," he warned. Younghyun faltered, but didn't object._

_As delicately and fast as he could, he cleaned the wound and secured the gauze with the medical tape._

_"There," he uttered, inspecting his work. He righted his glasses that had been slipping down his nose and gave Younghyun a wide satisfied grin._

_Younghyun's eyes were glittery when he said, "hyung, will you marry me?"_

_"What?" Jae chuckled._

_"Mom said I should marry someone who takes care of me."_

_"That someone will come along at the right time. Besides, aren't you too young to marry?"_

_"Not now, when I'm older!"_

_"And how old is older?"_

_Younghyun hummed in thought. "Thirteen?"_

_Jae chortled, messing Younghyun's hair up and making him squawk. "Thirteen is not old enough."_

_"How old are you?"_

_"I'm twenty-one."_

_"Then, when I'm twenty-one, can I marry you then?"_

_Jae pinched Younghyun's cheek, indulging. "If you still wanna marry me by then, why not?"_

  
Jae didn't know if Younghyun remembered, or why Jae himself still did. But he did, although now it was a memory somewhat tainted; one that held a different meaning and gave a different feeling.

She worked on the same company as Younghyun's but from another department, sent along with him to Canada.

Jae met her when Younghyun had brought her to his welcome home dinner after spending fifteen months abroad.

She was two years younger than Jae—but it meant two years closer to Younghyun's age. Still so much closer to _Jae's_ , however. Still too old for Younghyun.

And yet.

(Where could she have gotten the guts to be with Younghyun when Jae couldn't?)

What was worse was Younghyun's parents were very welcoming of her. Would they had been as warm if it were Jae in her stead?

"How about you Jae-ah, how have you been?" Younghyun's mother asked, expression earnest. He smiled.

"I've been well, auntie. Same old."

"Still haven't brought anyone home?"

"Uh, no." He resisted the urge to glimpse at Younghyun. He almost flinched at the sound of his own mother's dramatic sigh. She didn't say anything, merely glowering and causing the fine lines of her face to become more prominent. The table burst into boisterous laughters.

Jae chanced a glance, looking away when he saw how bright Younghyun's smile was.

When Younghyun's parents had asked their son to walk Jae to the bus station, it had been odd. Why must a sober grown man be escorted home? By someone _younger_?

Why were their parents adamant in maintaining their friendship?

"She's the same age as me. Is this some fetish or something?" Jae carelessly asked eight minutes into the walk, scrunching his nose to cover up the bitterness. It still peeked through, he could tell by the way Younghyun's expression soured.

"It's not my fault she's older than me and it's not my fault she's more open-minded of our age gap then _you_ are." The instant the words were out, Younghyun wanted to take them back. Jae couldn't conceal the _hurt_ in time before he slipped on a stoic mask.

"Well, sorry about that," Jae replied frigidly. He seemed so far away, unreachable—like _that_ day. He wanted to reach out but Jae had sped up, intent on leaving Younghyun.

Younghyun didn't follow him.

Cold. He felt cold.

The ice that covered every inch of Jae was so cold it felt _hot_. Like the tears that burned behind his eyes, the lump in his throat, the weight that settled in his chest.

When he reached his unit, he felt numb. He knew he was hurt—supposed to be. But he couldn't feel anything. Maybe he really wasn't hurt? Maybe he had finally moved on from Younghyun.

He looked down to his quivering hands, watching them get wet with droplets. If it didn't hurt, then why was he crying? If it hurt, then why couldn't he feel it?

He passed by the couple twice when he went to his parent's house across the Kangs. Twice they seemed blissful, twice Jae's heart constricted at the sight.

He didn't visit his parents for a month.

Jae left his office early. Work was slow. His day wasn't unpleasant, but nor was it particularly thrilling. Out of boredom, his subconscious had led him to the arcade. People were sparse on a 2pm weekday, students still in their classrooms. He purchased tokens and headed for the hoops.

On his fourth round, someone had taken the spot beside him. He faced them and the ball slipped from his grip.

"How unusual," Younghyun said as a greeting, smiling like nothing was wrong. But nothing had to be wrong. Younghyun was with someone now. He had moved on from Jae.

Nothing was wrong.

Jae grinned, ignoring the pang in his chest.

"Since when do you drink Americano?" Younghyun asked in astonishment. The arcade had sufficiently tired them out, so they took a break in the nearest cafe. Jae wiggled his brows.

"I'm like, real adult now, see?"

Younghyun snorted. "You consider drinking Americano the initiation to adulthood?"

Jae shrugged. "All those grumpy balding old guys in the firm only ever drink Americano."

"So you wanna be a grumpy balding old guy?"

"Not balding, but hey, I already got the old and grumpy part down don't I?"

"No, you don't. You're not grumpy, you're pouty."

Jae's nose crinkled in disagreement. "Nah, dude."

"You're pouting right now."

"I'm not though?"

"You are."

"I'm not!"

"You are!"

Jae huffed. "This is ridiculous."

Younghyun chuckled. "Yeah." They exchanged companionable looks. It had been a while since things were this uncomplicated.

They threw questions back and forth to catch-up, but never asked the ones they truly wanted to.

"Here," Jae said, extending a hand. In it was a paracetamol tablet. Younghyun sat up with a wince, already tasting the ickiness in his tongue. He took the medication and the mug of water Jae offered.

"Thanks," he croaked, resting his head back on his pillow and looking up at Jae. The older was putting the mug and the bowl that had contained the soup Younghyun just finished on a tray.

"I've never taken care of you sick before, you're surprisingly compliant," Jae commented, pulling the comforter higher to Younghyun's chin.

"Is that a challenge?" Younghyun chuckled under Jae's glare. He sobered immediately when he recalled something. "I'm sorry."

"Hmn?"

"You were supposed to be on a vacation, but you're stuck here with me."

"Eh." Jae plopped down beside the younger. "Not your fault you got sick while your parents are away, kiddo."

"Not a kid."

"What?"

"I'm in highschool now."

Jae snickered. "Of course, of course. I'll wake you up in a few hours, okay?"

"You're leaving?"

"To the living room."

"To watch TV?"

"Yes."

"You're not."

"Not what?"

"You're gonna work again, aren't you?"

"No."

"Uncle said that vacation is vacation, you should—"

"—leave work at work, I know."

"Then?"

"Alright, alright! I won't check work."

"Hmn."

"I won't, I swear!"

"Taking a break is part of work too. Because you need it to function well."

Jae stared. The more he didn't say anything, the more conscious Younghyun visibly got. He chortled under his breath. "I don't remember being this wise at seventeen."

"Can you remember a time you've actually been wise though."

"I hate it here."

"Wait, hyung—I was kidding—don't leave me!"

Jae let out a theatrical sigh. "Fine." He broke character, smiling genuinely. Then he did the most unexpected thing.

He dropped a short kiss on Younghyun's forehead. "Sleep for now, I'll be here when you wake up."

Younghyun's heart ached in the best possible way, wishing he had a way to capture that moment and hold onto it for eternities.

Were first loves normally like this?

Younghyun had barely been seated for ten minutes when his phone rang to Jae's specific ringtone. He hurried to answer by reflex. Across the table, Seri was a quiet spectator.

"Hello?"

_"Good afternoon, sir, this is St. Mary's hospital. Are you related in any way to Park Jaehyung?"_

"We're... friends. Why, what happened?"

_"Mr. Park collapsed due to exhaustion. His emergency contact couldn't be reached and you were the last person he contacted."_

Younghyun was confounded. It had been days since they last texted, so what was this person talking about?

_"Mr. Kang?"_

"I'll be there."

_"He's in the emergency room. Thank you."_

The call ended. Younghyun opened his mouth, but Seri beat him to it.

"Emergency?" She inquired, mildly worried.

"Yes, it's... a friend. He's in the hospital."

"Oh. Is he alright?"

"Yes. It's probably from overworking. He's kind of a workaholic."

"I see."

"Would you mind if I..."

"No. Go ahead. I'm sure Jae-ssi needs you more than I do."

He smiled apologetically. "Thank you."

It was only when he was boarding the bus did he realize he never told her who the friend he was referring to was.

Jae had always been sickly. Younghyun had a lot of memories visiting his house or the hospital. He always hated how pale and breakable Jae looked everytime.

This was no exception. Jae looked _haggard_ —one glance at him would be adequate to know why he would collapse.

He exchanged a few words of appreciation with the somewhat familiar colleague that had accompanied Jae to the hospital. The man, Park Jinyoung, left with a friendly pat on his shoulder.

He could call Jae's family. He remembered them talking about their home number being changed, plausibly why they couldn't be reached. His parents would surely have the digits. Jae had most likely neglected to replace the old contact information. He could report the situation to them and be back to Seri.

But he couldn't.

He heard the curtain being pushed aside.

"Are you his family?" The doctor asked.

"No, but we live across each other." _He used to babysit me and I'm in love with him._

"Younghyun?"

They turned to Jae's direction to see him rising, harshly rubbing on his eyes. Younghyun gripped his wrist. "Don't do that," he chided.

"What are you doing here?"

"They called me."

"Oh. But—oh."

"You haven't updated your emergency contact?"

"No," Jae replied sheepishly, scratching the side of his head.

"Will he be discharged today?" He inquired without looking away from Jae.

"Yes," the doctor answered, nodding at Jae. "Ample rest, healthy foods, exercise."

"Yes, doc!" Jae mocked salute. The doctor huffed before excusing himself, leaving the two of them alone.

"At least I didn't have to be admitted."

Younghyun's disapproving stare didn't waver. Jae cowered.

"It won't happen again, I promise."

"It will."

"Come on, man, have some faith in me."

Younghyun crossed his arms. The way Jae followed the movement didn't escape him.

"I'll try not to cause further inconvenience in the future."

"That's not what I meant."

"Is that a permission to bother you again?"

"Just—" Younghyun exhaled. Jae snickered. "By the way," he began, switching the topic. "They said I was your last contacted person."

He watched every of Jae's limbs lock into place.

"Ah, t-that. I've deleted some conversations. I probably just didn't notice yours."

"Is that so."

"Yeah, yeah. Why?"

"Nothing," Younghyun said. Jae had always been a bad liar.

It was by the end of summer, at the cusp of autumn, a few days after the event did Younghyun told Jae the news.

"What? Why'd you guys break up? She's good for you, you know?" Jaehyung asked with a raised brow. It was true though, she was good for him. No matter how hard he tried, Jae couldn't find a reason to resent her. He felt ashamed for feeling relieved, but he couldn't help it.

Younghyun shook his head. "Just because," he answered. _It's never gonna work out. Nothing's ever gonna work out because she's not you,_ was left unspoken.

Jaehyung's lower lip jutted. He gave Younghyun's back a sympathetic pat. "You'll find someone," he assured emptily.

_"Jae-ssi, isn't it?" She asked with a small, knowing smile. Younghyun merely sighed and ducked his head in shame and remorse. "Don't worry, I'm not surprised. Sad, yeah, but I've seen it coming. Why though?"_

_He looked up in confusion. "Why what?"_

_"Did you really think you'll be able to move on if you were with someone else?" She asked lightly, but the blow was heavy._

_Yes, he did. He was a fool._

_She grinned and squeezed his bicep, accepting his silence as an answer. Then they parted ways._

He didn't tell her, but the truth was this: Younghyun had already given up. He had resigned himself to his fate of loving someone who would never be his. That Jae had been and would always be the sole owner of his heart.

No. Younghyun wouldn't find someone else.

He would forever be a fool for Park Jaehyung.

"Jae-ssi, right?"

Jae looked away from Wonpil to the newcomer. It had been four days since that dinner where he last saw her.

"Oh, yeah, yeah. Can I help you?"

She smiled. "I was just passing by when I saw you." Her attention went to Wonpil.

"I'm Wonpil, Jae's friend." Wonpil gave her his winning smile.

"Nice to meet you, Wonpil-ssi. My name is Seri."

Wonpil moved to vacate his chair. "Would you like to sit?"

"Oh, I wouldn't want to intrude—"

"Don't worry, you won't," Jae assured, dragging an unoccupied seat nearby and holding it to Wonpil. They sat beside each other, with her across them.

"Have you ordered?"

"Yes. I won't be taking too much of your time, Younghyun's just craving his coffee."

"Ah, I see."

A pause.

"Jae-ssi, would you mind me asking something personal?"

Jae didn't trace any malice from her, only a tinge of pensiveness. He released the straw from his lips, bracing himself. "No, go ahead."

"If you ever see a couple with a big age gap, would you scorn them?"

Wonpil was wide-eyed, head whipping to Jae who was gawking. Out of all things—

But would he?

If Wonpil were to get with someone of Jae's age, would he judge them?

There was no tentativeness in his answer. There was only a firm "no." No, he wouldn't.

As soon as he answered, her eyes glinted the way a predator's would when they cornered their prey. "So why?"

Jae's forehead creased. "Why what?"

How much did she know? How did she _know?_

"Americano for Seri-ssi!"

She excused herself to fetch her orders, returning to their table with a soft smile. "I didn't mean to be intrusive."

"No, you weren't, don't worry."

"You'll understand it if I say I never intend to hurt anyone, that I just want Younghyun to be happy, right?"

"Of course," he responded, a little hallow. "I do."

She gave them one last smile, before bowing and making her way out. Back to Younghyun.

"She seems nice," Wonpil commented, taking Jae's wrist in a loose hold.

"She does." He couldn't decide if he hated it or not.

When Jae went out of their firm, the view of Younghyun sitting on the entrance's stairs waiting for him was the last thing he anticipated.

"Hey, hyung. Dinner?"

They went to the place they used to frequent in, the ajumma complaining about how she never saw them nowadays. She insisted on giving them extra servings.

"I was gonna ask her to marry me," Younghyun divulged after swallowing his food.

Jae blinked at him, lowering his spoonful of soup back to the bowl. "Isn't it too fast?"

"You mean it's too late."

"No, I mean if you didn't break up, you would've only been dating for nine months."

"People had married for shorter amount of time."

"Yes, and I've seen so many divorces during my time in the firm."

"Are you saying we wouldn't have lasted?"

_Well, you didn't,_ he almost blurted. He held his tongue back. "I didn't say that. I'm just saying that marriage is not something you should do just because you can."

"I wasn't gonna do it just because I can, I've thought about it for a while. You think I'm that reckless?"

"I didn't say that! Stop putting words in my mouth."

"Maybe if you stop making implications."

Jae breathed out in exasperation, the lines of his body tensing. "Stop reading in between the lines when there's nothing to read."

"Why are you even against me marrying her so much? What, you're suddenly in love with me?" Younghyun sardonically asked, heart stinging when Jae scoffed.

"As if. Don't tell me you're still hung up on me?" As soon as the words slipped past his lips, Jae regretted them so much.

Younghyun's eyes had dimmed. "Of course not," he replied drily. They stared at each other for moment.

They resumed their meals, movements terse, the silence suffocating.

And so they lied: together, to themselves and to each other.

She was tired from the flight from Canada to Korea, then going directly to her boyfriend's house to meet his parents and their family friend. They were welcoming, all of them.

She was to stay over and occupy the space next to her boyfriend, who was still in the shower. She took her time to get to know him and his past. There wasn't much to the small room however: a double bed, closet, and desk that had a lone book atop it.

"The Perks of Being a Wallflower," she murmured, picking it up for further inspection. As far as she knew, her boyfriend wasn't a fan of reading. She pulled her thumb up the edge of the pages and flipped through them, making them fan over her face.

"Oh!" She exclaimed when something fell from in between the papers. Her hand darted to save it, freezing when she recognized who was on the polaroid photo.

_Lovely_ was the first word to pop up in her mind. The quality, the _person_. Taken on a clear summer day on a beach, unknown to the subject that the moment he was splashing around was immortalized in this little polaroid. Merely looking at it felt like breaching someone's privacy.

The approaching footsteps caused she shot up to return the polaroid and the book in their proper places.

"Are you alright?" He questioned, drying his locks with his towel.

"Yes. Uh, I didn't know you like 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower'?"

"Ah, that. It's a favorite."

"Of you?"

"No. A friend's."

And she heard more cracks form in her heart, adding to the existing ones. When his gaze would be too far away, when his thoughts would stray beyond her reach, when he would say the wrong name without realizing...

He went through the pages of the album leisurely, relishing each one. Younghyun as an infant, a toddler, a kid.

_"We shouldn't take long, don't worry. Take care of Hyunie for us for now, Jae-ah."_

Those had been the words when Younghyun's parents had first asked him to babysit Younghyun.

His lips tightened to a line. He turned the next page.

Younghyun as a teen, an adolescent.

Eighteen year old Younghyun stared back at him with a triumphant grin only a graduating student could do, holding his diploma to his chest.

Wrong. So _wrong_. Jae felt filthy for harboring feelings for this _boy_ he had seen grow before his very eyes.

  
But why was it wrong?

What was so wrong about this?

What, why, for how long, until when, what if...

Jae didn't know which path to choose. He shouldn't have went out for a detour and stayed home in such a chilly autumn night—instead he was lost in an unfamiliar area of the city, without anyone to guide him to his unknown destination.

But the album's weight in his hands, the noises his mind made in the quietness of his apartment... He didn't know if he could stand a second longer of any of it.

He needed to move. Which way was right? What if he took the wrong one? One step, two steps. Forward. _Just focus on making the steps instead of the direction, and hope that you make it home._

A hand on his wrist prevented him from taking another step.

A second later, a car sped by in front of him.

Dazedly, he looked back over his shoulder, eyes meeting unfamiliar ones.

"That could've hit you," the man said. Genuine concern glimmered in his eyes. "Are you okay?"

Jae looked away. "No," he muttered. "No. I'm not okay. Nothing is okay."

"Killing yourself won't make anything okay."

Jae frowned. "Killing myse—I'm not?" He shook his head sluggishly, as if clearing it from fogginess. "I'm not trying to."

The man, who still refused to let go of Jae's wrist, nodded in understanding. "So you're just not paying attention to your surroundings?"

Jae would make a joke had he been feeling normal, but he was the farthest thing from it. Had been, for a while. "Yes. I'm sorry."

It seemed to ease the man. "You should repay my kindness."

"What?"

"At least treat me to coffee, stranger."

"At midnight?"

"I know a good one that's open twenty-four hours."

By the end of their second cup, Jae felt like he had known Park Sungjin his whole life.

"Seventeen years. That's our age difference." Sungjin sipped on his chamomile tea, eyes trailing the cup when he placed it back on the table. "I met him when he was twenty-one at the university I work as a counselor at. Practical music major. I was drawn to the way he loves music and drums. To his hardwork. To him."

Jae couldn't look away, entranced by each word that Sungjin uttered.

Sungjin let out a seemingly involuntary affectionate chuckle. "He would come to my office with all these excuses. His face can go so red, you know? It always gives him away."

Jae ached. How nice it must be to be this in love and be able to express it freely.

"I had to do a lot of convincing. I had to convince myself that I'm not doing anything wrong because I'm not. It wasn't my fault he was younger than me. I wasn't doing anything illegal. Dowoon is an adult. He's capable of having his own beliefs, opinions, decisions. And he chose me."

Sungjin's starry eyes met his, and Jae recognized the insecurity they hid. It was what he saw whenever he looked at the mirror, what his reflection showed him. It asked and implored and agonized, but Jae never made an attempt to soothe it.

"Do you think it's wrong for me to be with the person I love because my age?"

It sounded silly, when Sungjin put it like that.

"No," he responded. He closed his eyes, releasing a deep exhale as he leaned back on his seat. "No, it's not wrong."

"Then it's not wrong for you too."

"It feels an awful lot like it is."

"Why?"

"I don't know, Sungjin. I really don't." But he did. And Sungjin's face gave away the fact that he knew too.

"You have my number now. Don't hesitate to dial." Sungjin smiled. Jae nodded and returned the gesture.

"Auntie said you're moving out," Younghyun suddenly spoke, jarring Jae. He had been so focused at the screen, taking everything thing in. He had been the one to choose it after all.

"Yeah," he answered. Younghyun didn't seem to be at the moment. They sat on Younghyun's double bed, their sides pressed together. Strategically balanced on the pillow that was placed on both their thighs was Younghyun's new laptop. A gift for bringing home honorable academic marks on his elementary graduation.

"It's nearer to the place I work at," he explained. He smirked. "Why, you'll miss me?"

"Yes."

"Oh?" Jae was caught off guard by Younghyun's candidness. He smiled softly, patting Younghyun's head. "It's not so far, Hyunnie. And I'll be back on the weekends."

Younghyun looked unconvinced.

"Aw, Hyunnie, you love Jae-hyung that much?"

"Yes."

"Oh my god." Jae laughed, gathering Younghyun into his arms and squeezing him. Younghyun held on, much more tightly. "Middle school will keep you busy, kiddo. You'll forget about old Jaehyung-hyung in a blink."

"I won't. Ever. I promise," Younghyun mumbled onto his neck. "I won't ever forget you."

When Jae's phone chimed to Younghyun's message asking to meet him up at the park, Jae didn't know what to expect. He didn't know where he stood in the younger's life. Did Younghyun still considered him a friend? Would he want to keep a person like Jae as a friend?

Why was he asking to meet at 9pm on a weekday? Was something wrong?

Was he finally breaking any sort of bond with Jae for good?

Jae arrived five minutes early and sat on one of the wooden benches, the one that faced the slides. If he tried hard enough, he'd see a six year old Younghyun beaming as he slid down from it.

Jae rubbed a palm to his face, controlling his breaths that became visible in the winter wind. He heard footfalls to his right.

"Have you waited long?" Younghyun asked. Jae hazily looked up. Half of Younghyun's face was concealed behind his scarf.

"No. Don't worry."

Younghyun nodded, walking closer and stopping by his side. When he didn't sit, Jae felt his heart sink.

"Here," Younghyun said, arm outstretched. Jae eyed his fist for several seconds, before lifting a hand. Younghyun gently placed something on his palm. Something warm and metallic.

A thin silver ring, only enough to fit around his pinky.

"I bought it back in Canada," Younghyun confessed. His eyes were devoid of anything but bone-deep exhaustion and defeat. "I said I was gonna stop loving you, like I always do. That Canada was where I start anew. But I saw it and I couldn't resist."

Jae felt his eyes prickle, followed by wetness cascading down his cheeks. Just as Younghyun was baring his soul, Jae decided that it was only fair he do the same.

Perhaps it was the time to be free of the burden, whatever that might mean for them.

"I was fifteen when you were just _born_ , Younghyun. I've seen you then, and I've seen you grow from that boy to the man you are now. How could I—don't you get it?" Jae desperately reasoned out, for what felt like a thousand times now. He was so so _so_ tired; from trying to explain and justify himself to himself, from denying himself and Younghyun of what they both wanted the most. From loving the wrong person.

His words seemed to trigger Younghyun. "That's the thing! I'm twenty-six! I'm not a kid anymore, I'm a _man_. When will you start seeing that?" Contrary to his argument and much to his chagrin, Younghyun's voice had cracked and his tears had started falling uncontrollably. He suddenly felt like a kid pretending to be a man.

His skin felt hot from mortification and he wanted nothing more than to run far away; from this situation, from Jae, from his love that just wouldn't fade no matter how tough loving Jae got.

But he'd seen it. The way the lights in Jae's eyes darkened when he had introduced Seri to him. The way he had diverted his eyes from them. The way he was more relaxed when Younghyun had announced their breakup.

The look on his face, as if there was something he wanted to let out but always aborted. When Younghyun's and Jae's parents encouraged that overnight—when Jae had opened the door and his fingers wrapped around the knob, like he wanted to reach out but was holding back.

And now he was crying, attempting to be rational. But he wasn't looking away and denying Younghyun like he did before.

Younghyun had thought about it a lot. One of the things he realized was how 'I'm sorry' could mean and be followed up by so many different things. Perhaps he was being delusional, but maybe Jae's apology back then hadn't been a mere rejection.

And his rejection could possibly mean something else.

"There are bigger age gaps out there. It's not about it, isn't it? What is it really, hyung? Why do you keep push me away even though I can see—I _know_ you want me too."

Jae's face crumpled, weakly shaking his head by instinct.

"Stop that, please!" His voice raised, causing Jae to jump. "Just tell me the truth! What are you so scared of?"

"I don't know!" Jae screamed back, voice breaking (breaking Younghyun's heart). "I don't know," he repeated in a whisper.

"If it's what other people would say, then I'll cover your ears for you so you don't have to hear. They don't matter, so what they have to say don't matter too."

"What would my parents say? What would _your_ parents say?"

"My parents have known for years, hyung."

Jae's eyes widened. He was rendered speechless.

"Just listen to me," Younghyun desperately pleaded. "I can protect you, if you'll let me."

"I'm scared, so scared," Jae finally admitted, to himself and to Younghyun. "That you'll find someone more suitable for you. I'm scared that it'll get too much for you, for us. I'm scared that I need you more than you need me." His head lowered, tears relentless. "I'm scared that you'll leave me when you realize what a fucking mess I am."

"I know how much of a mess you are, I grew up with you, didn't I?" Younghyun couldn't help but smile. "But I still love you. I've seen you at your worst but I love you anyway. Honestly, sometimes I wish I don't love you this much because it's scary."

Younghyun lifted a tentative hand to Jae's wet cheeks, guiding it up so the elder could see the sincerity and vulnerability when he said, "I'm scared too."

Jae shut his eyes, unable to take the emotions Younghyun was conveying on top of the ones already coursing through him.

"Let's be scared together," Younghyun proposed, _begged_.

Jae couldn't find it in himself to deny them any longer.

"Okay."

Younghyun stopped breathing. "Okay?"

Jae trapped the hand on his cheek and nodded, finally smiling. Finally free.

As he aged, he learned that simple things were often overcomplicated and no situation was black and white. These two didn't go hand in hand, but sometimes they overlapped.

The fact was simple: Younghyun loved Jae and Jae loved him back. But their age dictated they shouldn't be together, that the right thing was for Jae to let Younghyun be with someone more compatible for him.

But who decided what was right and wrong?

They weren't hurting anyone (but themselves). So why couldn't they be together?

Who said they couldn't be together?

Jae hated being told what to do. If you told him to stand, he would sit. If you told him to go out, he would lock himself in his room.

He would fight anyone, even himself.

He might've lost himself to his fears back then, but he was back on track now. So if Jae told himself to stop loving Younghyun, what was the Jae-course of action to be taken?

(If Younghyun had those sad, sad eyes on him, asking for his acceptance...)

Younghyun tapped the loudspeaker button as soon as the call clicked.

_"Hello?"_

"Mom." Younghyun gazed at Jae, who shyly smiled. "I gave Jae the ring."

_"Oh. Did he...?"_

"He accepted."

_"Oh. Oh, son, I'm so happy for you."_

They looked at each other and giggled, still high from euphoria. Jae didn't know happiness like this was possible. Damn, he had been missing out so much.

It took three dates before Jae asked Younghyun to stay the night.

They were prepared for bed, having finished showering. In their comfortable clothes, in the middle of the bed, side by side, their bodies met.

Their proximity caused their noses to brush against each other's with each movement. They breathed against the other's skin, then against the other's mouth— _into_ each other's mouths.

When Younghyun's hand snaked inside Jae's shirt, he knew he'd have to bid it goodbye. He let Younghyun do as desired, a payment for making things hard for him.

Younghyun slipped a leg in between Jae's.

Jae covered his mouth to prevent a moan from coming out. Younghyun halted his movements, much to his frustration.

"Don't," he tenderly commanded, holding Jae's wrist and gently taking it away. "Let go. Aren't you tired of holding back?"

And Jae was. So he curbed the urge to disagree and did as Younghyun told.

Once they had gotten rid of their sleepwears and got impatient from the foreplay, Jae told Younghyun about the supplies in the nightstand drawer.

"Were you expecting this?" Younghyun teased. Jae laughed.

"I was hoping, yes."

Younghyun pecked his lips before wordlessly putting him in the position he wanted. Then he opened the drawer.

Jae lied on his front with Younghyun draped over his back, the younger's pace steady and slow, savoring and sweet. Jae hugged the pillow to his chest, biting on it with every precise thrust of the Younghyun's fingers, then of his cock.

Younghyun peppered his nape and back with kisses, the kind where he was uncertain if he deserved to do so but dared to worship him anyway.

Younghyun hooked his ankles on the insides of his calves, keeping Jae's legs spread as he rammed in him faster, chasing their release. Jae writhed, his hardness rubbing on the bed to Younghyun's rhythm. He was pinned down, utterly helpless and under Younghyun's mercy.

He loved every second of it.

  
_Finally,_ his mind chanted.

When the tension snapped and the heat was replaced with softness, Younghyun held his hands, giving his knuckles small kisses and admiring the ring around his pinky.

And so they lay: together, beside each other.

Kim Wonpilie

10:32 PM

_We're a thing now._

10:35 PM

_A long time coming._

10:36 PM

_Congratulations, Jae, you're so amazing for facing your fears and fighting for your happiness._

10:37 PM

 _Congratulations, hyung. I'm really happy for you._ ❤️

10:39 PM

_..._

_Sincerity is a scary when it's you._

10:40 PM

 _What do you mean? I'm always sincere._ ☹️

10:43 PM

_You didn't hear this from me_

_But_

_I'm grateful you stuck by me_

_I'm glad you're my friend_

10:45 PM

 _Screenshot._ 😯

10:46 PM

_Nevermind I actually hate you_

10:46 PM

 _Too late._ 😉

Wonpil smiled down at his phone. He was looking forward to his next meeting with Jae, when he would finally see what full unadulterated happiness looked on him.

_Twenty-five year old Jae opened the door to a nine year old Younghyun looking up at him timidly._

_"Hey, kiddo," he greeted. Normally, Younghyun would take this as an opportunity to hug Jae. But today, Younghyun remained rooted to his spot. Jae grew concerned. "What's wrong?"_

_"Mom said you're going to the hospital again?"_

_"Ah, yes. I'm gonna have my eyes fixed this time."_

_"What's wrong with your eyes?"_

_"They're blurry. Here—" Jae removed his prescription glasses. "—try it."_

_Younghyun accepted the glasses and slipped it on, immediately screwing his eyes shut. "Oww!"_

_Jae laughed, taking back the glasses. "How was it?"_

_"Awful! I couldn't see anything!"_

_"That's how I see the world when I have no glasses."_

_"Oh." Younghyun processed the information. "If you have your eyes fixed, you won't need glasses anymore?"_

_"Yes. I'd be able to see more clearly, like how you can see well even without glasses."_

_"Can I come with you?"_

_Jae tilted his head. "Why?"_

_"So I can be the first person you see when your eyes get fixed!"_

_Jae gaped, visibly taken aback. Then he was chuckling. He lowered himself to his hunches and grinned toothily at Younghyun. "Aren't you the sweetest?"_

Younghyun huffed, smiling. It captured Jae's attention, the older lifting his head from Younghyun's chest and eyeing him in confusion. "I just remembered something," he dismissed, tightening the arm around Jae to have him closer than close.

"What is it?"

Younghyun's smile became secretive. "I'll be the first person you see in the morning," he said instead.

"Well, yeah? Obviously?"

"Yeah."

"What's wrong with you?"

Like the true adult he was, Younghyun stuck his tongue out.

"Sungjin, I did it. We're together now."

_"Congratulations!"_

"Thank you!"

_"Should we celebrate?"_

"Double date?"

_"When and where?"_

"When are you guys free?"

_"How about during the summer break? It's in a week."_

"Sounds good. I'm thinking about this newly opened place my colleague recommended me, around..."

They sat across Jae's parents. Younghyun held Jae's hand above the table.

"Auntie, uncle, I know this is sudden but I love your son. He's the one I want to spend my life with.

Jae's parents exchanged knowing looks. His mother sighed. She peered at Younghyun for a beat before addressing Jae. "When you never introduced a girl to us, we've already had our suspicion. And the way you two interacted... It doesn't matter though, you are our son, Jae. It will never change no matter what."

"But Younghyun of all people," his father spoke up, tone resigned. Jae hunched on his seat, feeling Younghyun give his hand a comforting squeeze.

"Uncle, with all due respect. I've loved Jae since I was seventeen. I've known it then. I'm an adult now, and I still do. I'm still sure."

"You'd face people's judgement wherever you go," Jae's mother pointed out, not unkind. Reminding, not reprimanding. "Can you deal with it?"

Jae lifted his head, holding it up with confidence he didn't yet quite feel. But he knew he would, in time. Younghyun was there for him. Had always been, and would always be.

"Yes," he answered, firmly, like a promise. "What about you mom, dad? Can you deal with it?" He asked, almost challengingly.

His mother frowned. "What do you mean, son?"

"I don't care about others, they don't matter. But you do. If guys think we should stop, then we will."

Younghyun's grip on him tightened almost painfully so. Jae was too tensed to complain about it or escape it.

"I don't think it's the best decision," his mother started, making the couple's heart miss a beat. "But there's nothing I could say to you two aren't already aware of. In the end, what matters the most is your happiness. It always has to be your priority, you two." She smiled, chortling when they both breathed out in relief.

His father gazed at Younghyun, eyes gleaming with playfulness. "If you hurt my son—"

"Dad, oh my god."

His father's lips raised at the corners in amusement. "What? My son might be a big boy now, but he's still my boy!"

"Holy shit—"

"Park Jaehyung, language!"

Jae ducked his head under his mom's warning glare. "Sorry."

Beside him, he heard Younghyun's snicker. They turned to each other, gazes conveying one message: _it'll be alright._

"Jae?"

"Hmn?"

"If I ask you again to marry me, will you say yes?"

"But we've only been dating for a month?"

"Don't you think I've waited long enough?"

"I... Don't look at me like that. Younghyun. Younghyun, _stop."_

"I proposed twenty years ago and you said I could marry you when I'm twenty-one—"

"Fine, fine!"

"Good. I already bought the rings."

_"You what?!"_

**Author's Note:**

> Editing this was so painstaking. Gods, I probably still missed so many things, or left things making no sense. 😭😭 Also this has gotten so out of hand, I wasn't expecting it to reach this length.


End file.
